warrior, as defined by merriam-webster: a person engaged or experienced in warfare (x)
weak, as defined by merriam-webster: lacking strength (x)
do you ever notice that after you say a word so many times it just starts to lose its meaning? warrior. fighter. suffering. weak. warrior. fighter. suffering. weak. warrior…
when i was 14, i didn’t eat unless my parents were sitting there watching me. they didn’t know that i didn’t want to eat, and i didn’t want them to know. my friends didn’t know, except for one. when i was trying to get better, she called me a warrior. I didn’t want to be a warrior, i just wanted to be normal. i didn’t see how eating made me a fighter.
when i was 15, i made myself throw up after every meal i ate at home. my parents didn’t know, and i didn’t want them to. i didn’t tell my friends until after that “phase” of my life was over. my friends said they wished they were as strong as me. what is it about starving yourself that makes you strong? if anything, it made me feel pathetic and sick.
when i was 16, i started dating my now ex-boyfriend, and i started gaining a lot of weight. I mean all we ever did was go out to eat, it was unavoidable (no matter how much i worked out). i told my friends i wanted to stop eating again, and they told me i was weak. these same friends that told me i was “strong” and a “warrior” and a “fighter” for starving myself and overcoming it told me to just stop eating.
how can i be a warrior one second, and the weak the next? for doing the exact same thing?
its because once i was suffering from an eating disorder, and the other was because i was “fat.” when you have an eating disorder, you are most certainly suffering; its hell to not eat every day and feel like you aren’t enough. when you’ve gained weight and you stop eating, its also fucking suffering – because you’re. not. fucking. eating. anything. there is nothing different between starving yourself when you’re skinny and starving yourself when you’re fat.
everyone can be a warrior, even people who feel weak.
**just a reminder, starving yourself is NEVER a good idea. i hope anyone that reads this knows that.